From as early as I can remember. I had a heightened consciousness or awareness that was way beyond my years. There was an adult voice talking inside my head. Even though I was a child, there was a mature presence that was with me. It was if my body was that of a toddler by my mind at times was as clear as it is now.
As I got a little older I began to realize a different kind of awareness. It was an awareness that was beyond me yet was still part of my experience. It started one day while I was walking home from grade school. I lived about a mile away from the school and about half way through the journey was a park. The park was filled with sycamore trees and as kids we used to jump up to grab the balls and leaves from the trees. One day as we were jumping I reached up for a leaf and I felt something pinch me. Each time I reached up to rip off a ball or leaf I felt that pinch. At first, I thought maybe I was just imagining it but I soon realized the tree was actually talking to me. It said: “Hey that pinches”. It wasn’t angry or mad it just wanted me to know what it was feeling and that we were sharing the same experience. That experience felt like a pinch or pulling out a piece of your hair. It wasn’t a terrible pain but it still hurt.
Recognizing that nobody around me could feel or understand what I was experiencing made me feel reluctant and ashamed for being this way. I believed that there was something wrong with me and I did not want any part of it. It made me feel weak and vulnerable and I just couldn't deal with that so I stashed this part of me away deep in the archives in hopes of never being seen again. I thought I had it in check but I couldn't shake my curiosity and I soon became a closeted spiritual. I would learn as much as I could about anything spiritual or esoteric but I would not let anybody know about that side of me.
About 15 years later this all began to bubble up again for me after my youngest child was born. He had some breathing issues and the Dr. told me he was a borderline asthmatic. He said if he didn’t improve he would have to go on breathing treatments and take medication. I had 2 other children, no medical insurance and a job I needed to get to. I did not have time or money to stay home with a sick child so I thought if I put my hands on him with the intent to draw the infection out it would work. And it did. Every time he started to get sick I would put my hand on him and he would be better by the next day. This wasn’t the placebo effect because he was only 6 months old and was too young to be swayed by any kind of influence.
I was determined to figure out what I was doing and how he was helped. I started to seek out healers and other people who provided other alternative modalities to try to understand what I was doing. I soon realized that nobody really knew any more than I did. They could point me in the right direction but it was up to me to figure out for me about me.
In search of myself I thought; what would happen if we were on our own spirituality. What if there was no Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad or any of the other great teachers that came before us? What if there were no books like the Bible, The Bhagavad Gita or the Koran to follow? What if there were no churches to go to and no sermons to be heard? How would we differentiate between what is human and what is spiritual? How would we know the difference between what is learned and what is instinctual? How would we know which feelings are appropriate and which are not? Would we be able to determine Divine guidance from worldly influence? Would we evolve spiritually without knowing it? How would we find our own moral compass if somebody was not telling us what it should be? If we had no spiritual direction would we figure it out ourselves and if so how would we go about doing that?
The concept intrigued me so much that I decided to put the books down and find the answers to my questions solely on trial and error. I wanted to know what was right for me and I wanted to know how to access myself. I would apply different methods of which I learned to see if they had any effect on me. Sometimes I would combine methods and sometimes I would just make them up myself as I went along. It was an experiment and I was Dr. Frankenstein. The more I learned about myself the more I wanted to know. I more I learned about myself the more I knew about the people around me. It was like solving a puzzle or playing a video game. Once I reached a level of understanding a new level would open up for me. It was also like playing golf in the sense that just when I would get to the point that I was frustrated and wanted to quit I hit a shot or received an insight that was so good I had to keep trying and trying again.
I knew if I was going to live by my own spiritual compass and moral code I would have to have solid foundation of which to build upon. This meant that I had to define a philosophy by which to live my life. There were so many schools of thought but none seemed to fit exactly right for me. If I was going rogue it better be based on something that I believed in and could stick to. I realized that everything I did and everything that I would continue to do was always to gain greater understanding of myself so it would only make sense that my philosophy would be based on my relationship with myself. With that understanding and commitment my philosophy was born.
“There is only one relationship and that is the relationship with self. All other relationships stem from that foundation.”